Whips and Water
by SirenBleedsInsanity
Summary: Quistis/Irvine. My attempt at a comedy... though really it's not my thing. Please r&r. Even if it's just one word, it'll be much appreciated.


-Whips and Water-  
  
It was her own private garden. Well, it really wasn't, but she liked to think of it that way. One solitary little spot of flowers and grass, a real garden that didn't house the barking of orders or killings of maniacal politicians. A place that she could go after a hard day to sit and read, watch the fish swim around the rocky pond.  
  
Right next to the hall that lead to the Infirmary, Quistis sat with an exceptionally thin book. To any that may pass she looked rather indignant, but that's to be expected of any authority figure. She stood and began pacing a bit, making her way across the lavish moss-covered ground to the miniature waterfall. She read slowly, indulging herself in the lines that she might as well have written herself - "/Aching nostalgia - As evening darkens and every moment grows longer and --/"  
  
Her trance was quickly broken as an arm slithered around her collar bone and a mouth brushed lightly against her ear. Quistis jumped, and under the heavy influence of instinct grasped the thicker limb and tossed her visitor into the water. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" she demanded to the struggling figure.  
  
The man apparently had taken more shock than he should have and thus wrestled violently with his signature beige trench coat. He twisted and spat out large amounts of liquid, screaming something about fish attacking him and eating him alive.  
  
He carried on ranting and hollering in such an overdramatic fashion that Quistis soon knew just what she was dealing with: "Irvine, get out of the pond."  
  
A very damp Irvine Kinneas immediately stood stark upright, saluting. At the lame look she was giving him, he flashed that token lopsided grin of his and burst out laughing. "Are you always that violent in response to affection?" he chuckled, eyes slowly scanning downward.  
  
Quistis sighed. "I'm sorry, you startled me. I would, however, appreciate it if you would learn to greet women in a way that *isn't* suggestive-"  
  
"You know," he interrupted matter-of-factly, "I never did believe violence and affection had to be far and in between." He motioned with an amorous nod to the whip that rested at her side. She simply raised a warning eyebrow, though he never minded that look. "Pain and pleasure. It's all relative, really. Since you like reading so much, I know this great author -"  
  
"Irvine, get out of the water. You're going to catch some sort of odd no-name disease that only you would catch if you don't get dry soon."  
  
He smirked again. "You'll make me feel all better, won't you? Nurse Quisty?"  
  
The blonde turned round to leave him, growing impatient, but he stopped her once again.  
  
"Well you *do* know what you have to do for throwing me in here in the first place, don't you?"  
  
She gazed at him dryly. "I just came here to read."  
  
Once more he chose not to hear this and continued, gazing at her in his usual "come-hither" way. "You can either make it up to me by jumping in with me, or my personal favorite, we can just have sex. Either way, I'm good."  
  
Quistis stared at him in horror. "Irvine, you stayed here at Balamb to study under me once my license was restored. Do you honestly think that's any way to speak to me?" She reasoned.  
  
He seemed to consider this for one moment. He quickly decided it really didn't matter all that much, and confirmed it by sending a wave of water up at the older woman. She growled under her breath, but he merely smiled back pleasantly. "So now that you're wet you don't have any reason to complain. Come on in!"  
  
She glowered deeply at the bobbing brunette, further expressing her disapproval. If he only had some tact! "That really wasn't called for. Stop being immature and come inside, will you?!"  
  
"Aw, m'sorry Quistis. I didn't mean to upset you, really! How about a hug, then?"  
  
"You're hopeless!" she exclaimed. She stomped over to the edge of the pond, sticking out her hand. "Let's just go inside. You can cling to Dr. Kadowaki before the ground opens up and swallows you whole."  
  
"But I'd rather cling..." he clasped her hand, "to you!" With that, he yanked her in easily enough, surprised that she hadn't seen it coming. Such an old trick!  
  
Quistis stared at him with wide eyes. She held her book up and screeched, "How dare you?!"  
  
"I'll buy you a new one." The sniper took the dripping object from her hand and tossed it to dry ground. Taking her hand, he brought her closer. "You're so cold..."  
  
"Irvine, let me go," she threatened.  
  
He pretended this was her playing hard-to-get, and came even closer to pin her lightly against the wall. "You're always so cold. Why don't you open up sometime? I can help you... I'll make you melt..."  
  
"Stop it, Irvine."  
  
"We're just going for a swim. Where's the harm in that?"  
  
Quistis set her jaw impatiently. "Have I 'paid you back' to your liking yet?"  
  
There was a pause. "Have you ever had sex underwater?" he asked suddenly.  
  
"IRVINE!"  
  
"I'm just wondering!" he laughed. "I've always thought it might be fun to try."  
  
"Irvine, this is going too far. If you-"  
  
"You don't get too sweaty or anything. I mean, you're already drenched."  
  
"This is hardly appropriate-"  
  
"And you'd see everything in a different perspective. It's kind of like fish mating."  
  
Quistis flinched. "That's disgusting."  
  
"If you don't think about it that way, though. It's pretty erotic, don't you think?"  
  
"You know what, if you don't stop..." she warned.  
  
"Hurt me?" Irvine gushed. "Chain me up and beat me down? Use that whip of yours... oh, I like that..." he breathed.  
  
"Irvine..."  
  
"And in the water, too! Just think about it. The motion... the water, swishing around, cooling the burn between your legs as you-"  
  
"Irvine," she said a bit more forcefully.  
  
He grasped her hips lightly with one hand, pulling himself against her and hooking his cheek to hers, "thrust..."  
  
Quistis wriggled a bit and attempted to push away, but he just clung harder, legs wrapped wholly around her torso. "Ah..." he moaned, moving slightly.  
  
"IRVINE!" the blonde screamed urgently.  
  
He dug his fingers into her back and smiled inwardly at the pains he must be putting her through. "Ahh... Ahhhhh!" He moaned louder, even adding a tremble to his voice. "God... Quisty..." he breathed, only howling happily when she resorted to bite his shoulder.  
  
"Let me GO!" she commanded, knowing it was useless.  
  
"Don't you feel it?" he nearly pleaded, and as he entered his dramatization of what an underwater male climax must be...  
  
"Ahem."  
  
Quistis looked up, fear burning in her eyes, and Irvine turned grinning only to meet eyes with a very horrified Squall.  
  
"Squall, he pinned me, I... I..." Quistis stuttered.  
  
Mouth gaping and looking vaguely pained, he croaked, "...I won't tell if you never do that again."  
  
"Okay..." she squeaked feebly, and turned with a newly fired rage at Irvine. As he gazed contentedly after their childhood friend, she seized the opportunity to grab her whip and crack the hold on the back of his skull. "YOU INCOMPETENT-"  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *   
  
"They're just bruises and some minor cuts, Mr. Kinneas. Just apply this healing cream once a day before bed and you'll be fixed up in no time," Dr. Kadowaki instructed. "And as for you, Miss Trepe." The girl sat straight up at the sound of her name in an attempt to regain dignity. "I just never would have expected this of you. Such behavior towards your students is completely inappropriate, albeit amusing."  
  
Quistis nodded, gazing down at the ground. "I'll make sure he heals properly. I'm sorry."  
  
The old woman nodded. "I'll be back. You two rest here for a while. And remember, if this happens again..."  
  
"Yes, I know. Thank you for your assistance," the blonde grumbled.  
  
Once the doctor was out of the room, Irvine turned and smiled brightly. "Well that wasn't so bad, now was it?"  
  
This earned one of the more deadly looks he'd ever received, and no reply.  
  
"...I still say we should have had sex."  
  
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A/N: BAHA! Well, it amuses me, anyway. That poem is by an anonymous Japanese author... I got it from "One Hundred More Japanese Poems." Lovely book, that. ^^ Well anyway, I'm saddened by the lack of Quistis/Irvine fics, and the further lack of decent ones, so I tried to break my writer's block and make one that's halfway presentable. Bah, nevermind my own lack o' talent. Oh, by the way: for those of you who were here way back when, I am the new and improved Quistis Kinneas. GAH HAH! THE FIRST HARDCORE Q/I FAN ON FF.NET! BOW! Actually, not. But I'll cry if you call me a newcomer. So the point is... tell me what you think? 


End file.
